We are at this moment in time when we are thinking of having more kids and one of my fears is post-partum depression. I do want to have more kids, our plan was always to have at least one more baby. The first time (because there was a second) I suffered from postpartum depression was about 2.5 years ago. I remember crying a lot for no apparent reason, feeling so alone and sad. I couldn't understand why I was so sad and felt so alone. Here I was a mama of two beautiful kids, supportive in-laws and amazing husband, but nothing made the sadness go away. Not only was the sadness clouding my day to day, I was also recovering from a c-section, which made it so painful to care for a toddler and newborn baby. I had my mother in-law here helping and my husband took 4 weeks off from to work to help support my recovery and yet I still felt so alone, with all these people in our house I felt so so alone. I'm sharing my story because even my first time around I had slight baby blues, but nothing like this the second time around. No shares that you may experience things differently the second time around.
I remember so vividly feeling so jealous of my husband leaving for work in the morning, getting to leave and go on his merry way while I was home with the two kids. I felt so much resentment that he was able to leave the house and explore while I was home alone. I had no idea at the time that it was post-partum depression because I never had it with my little girl I never suspected of having it with my baby boy. There were days I wanted to run away and never come back, then I would feel sad and guilty for feeling the way I did. It would come in spurts, some days I would feel so happy, getting out doing things with the kiddos and exploring. Then all of a sudden poof the haze would come back and I'll cry over anything. It didn't help that my baby boy had colic, he would just cry for hours on end and only wanted to be held. I would sometimes put him in his crib crying and just sit on the floor next to the crib cry uncontrollably with this deep hollow sadness, in that moment I felt so sad and alone, just in the thick of it and felt like I couldn't get out, just buried in it. But somehow I'd pull myself off that floor, put baby boy into a carrier and get myself back up again. The one key factor that helped me get through was my little girl, she was 4 years old at the time and needed me. In the moment of the thick uncontrollable sadness I would see her face and it pushed me to try and get out of it. My little girl truly physically and emotionally pushed me to stay strong and fight it.
I am so glad I decided to speak up and talk to my husband about my feelings and he helped so much; everyday he would say like a chant over and over, remember your not alone, you have me and the kids, your strong and we'll get through this. And he'd have me repeat it over and over with him. It was like our daily ritual pep talk before we both take on the day, he's my rock that got me through the haze.
I'm sharing this story to let all you mommas going through this that your not alone, speak out and let your loved ones and family members know what your feeling and have that support network there to help you through the haze. Below I'll share some great things that truly got me through.
1. Confront your fears head on and talk to your husband and family members about what your feeling
2. Try to get calm- literally if you have to, put the baby down and sit down in silence even for just 10 minutes will help so much to get through the sad haze.
3. Give yourself permission to reach out- don't feel like you have to be perfect and keep up an appearance, if you have to go to a see a professional for helpt
4. Spend quality time with your partner away from your kids. Feeling like you have a partner that has your back is key.
5. Get some rest- sleep deprivation makes it worse (Trust me it does, my bad days we're usually the ones I didn't get much sleep at night)
6. Play music, like uplifting dance party Michael jackson kinda music. This will do wonders!
7. Join a mommy group, if anybody understands it's other mommas in the same stage your in
8. Remind yourself that the better has yet to come